In my ten years as a financial advisor, I have witnessed life partners' financial arrangements, agreements, and disagreements. Money is what we get for a vast swath of our time on earth, and how we allocate or share it is deeply personal. What surprises me the most is that there seems to be a solid map in the mind of any given partner of how joint finances ought to be done.
Within my lefty queer client base, many of the worldviews I see are similar from person to person, household to household. But when I poke at the financial perspectives on joint finances, starkly different attitudes arise. I believe these value systems underpin financial interactions in all life partnerships. I’ll call these different types The Four Paradigms of Joint Finances.
The Four Paradigms of Joint Finances often go to the heart of what it means to love and be loved for that person, and what it means to be personally actualized and live a dignified life. The values behind these Paradigms may be as fundamental as attitudes towards monogamy, in that it may be hard to proceed if there isn’t enough alignment.
The Paradigms are often unspoken and unexamined. But once you know what to look for, it's hard to miss. My hope is that writing up these types, or Paradigms, will lead to more non-judgmental conversations and wiser discernment in joint personal finances.
The Four Paradigms
The Independent Paradigm
The expectation that partners are responsible for their own expenses and their per-person share of joint expenses, regardless of identity or income.
The Equitable Paradigm
The expectation that partners would partially equalize resources for the purpose of fairness and accessibility.
The Benefactor Paradigm
The expectation that certain partners are responsible for paying for things because of their role or identity.
The Collective Paradigm
The expectation that partners’ resources would be collectively owned and distributed according to needs rather than origin.
Below is a series of fictional vignettes to show the general vibe of each paradigm in a happy relationship. The special differentiating aspects to each paradigm are also broken down in the table below.
The Independent
Jake, 31, lives in Brooklyn with his boyfriend Mark, 29. Mark makes a high income working as a software developer, and Jake works as a barista. Jake prides himself on not needing Mark’s help with his half of the rent. “Love should be about companionship, not money,” says Jake. Next Spring, Mark plans to have a big 30th birthday party in Berlin, but Jake can’t afford to go. “Mark shouldn’t have to limit himself because he’s with me. It’s his own damn money!”
The Equitable Paradigm
Ash, 45, is a freelance graphic designer in Seattle who lives with their partner Sherry, 50. Sherry is the creative director of a small agency. Sherry’s income is higher than Ash’s, so Sherry pays proportionately more to their joint expenses. “Ash couldn’t afford half of the apartment that I want to live in, so it just makes sense,” says Sherry, “Anyways, I’d be a shitty girlfriend if I asked for such a huge chunk of Ash’s money - it just wouldn’t be right. Capitalism isn’t fair - we both work hard, but at the end of the week I have more money in my bank account.”
The Benefactor Paradigm
John, 48, is a lawyer in Miami whose girlfriend is Bea, 35, a painter. “From the first date, he treated me like a queen. The idea of him even going dutch makes me laugh,” says Bea, “It might seem old fashioned, but I love that he takes care of me.” Bea and her two kids live in a house that John owns. Though they don’t share any joint bank accounts, John covers all the bills and gives Bea a credit card to use that he pays. When Bea sells a painting, she keeps her money in her personal account. “I don’t need to mess with that, she should enjoy the fruits of her talent,” John says, “I’m just proud that I can give her the life she deserves.”
Note: The Benefactor Paradigm is usually about gender. But, it can apply in other identity-based dynamics such as age or background, or role-based giver/receiver dynamics.
The Collective Paradigm
Kai, 37, and Sara, 36, are a married couple in Denver who have a 1 year old named River. Both Kai and Sara’s income goes into a joint account that pays for all of their expenses. “Last year our income* was lower because we decided it made more sense for Kai to stay home with the baby,” says Sara, “that’s the power of a dual earner household, our expenses can handle a little flux in the income department.*” Kai adds, “It feels good to operate as a unit, you know, what’s yours is mine.”
Differences of Paradigm
Now let’s pause. Why do we care about these attitudes to money in relationships? Because of the conflicts that arise when we’re misaligned. Read the following story and try to guess the Paradigms of Olive, Frank, Burt, and Amy.
Olive & Frank’s Drama
Olive, 31, lives in Los Angeles with her boyfriend Frank, 33. Olive makes a high income as a television producer, and Frank’s income from acting has been spotty for the last few years.
Olive confides in her father, Burt, about her relationship. “Frank’s money problems are really frustrating for me,” says Olive, “he expects me to subsidize his rent, but I’m not his mom. I know I have enough money, but it’s not about that. He should be able to stand on his own two feet.”
Burt says, “This isn’t the man I would want for my daughter. He should be supporting you, not the other way around!”
“Dad!” says Olive, “It’s not the 1950s, I don’t need a man to take care of me, I can take care of myself. I’ve always felt insulted when a guy’s ego is too fragile to let me split the check. I just expect Frank to take care of himself! I want him to respect my autonomy. But it’s like he feels entitled to my money.”
Meanwhile, Frank confides in his friend Amy. Amy suggests they split the rent proportionally, and then reassess as incomes change.
But Frank says, “The problem is that it's like we’re not even together when she talks like that. Aren’t you supposed to support each other in good times and bad? I can’t imagine my parents saying ‘Venmo me your half of the rent’, as if they’re just roommates. If my career takes off, I would think of that success as hers too, but I think she would just say ‘that’s none of my business’ which feels so alienating.”
Did you guess who is who?
Olive: The Independent. Burt: The Benefactor. Amy: The Equitable. Frank: The Collective.
Closing Thoughts
Relationships can change over time. Sometimes a relationship might go from Independent to Equitable to Collective as more commitments are shared. Or, financial circumstances may make certain setups impracticable, and grudging temporary acceptance of a different paradigm may happen.
Other times, a misaligned arrangement may be chosen unnecessarily. I’ve worked with partners who try to join their finances, but still work overtime to track whose expense is whose, making joint accounts a more complicated way of having separate accounts. Even if The Collective is associated with marriage, married people who both align with The Independent may find peace in simple financial separateness that works for them.
At the end of a relationship, Collective might also retroactively convert to Independent as parties fight for their share of resources and recall their prior financial contributions. Relationship endings, of course, can be more protracted if finances are more entwined. Also note that relying on someone financially is very high risk if you’re not legally entitled to anything in the event of a breakup. People in this situation should separately save a lot for the future, especially if they aren’t maintaining their outside earning potential.
But I hope that the themes I’m outlining can improve relationships, even with misalignment. Even if you don’t resonate entirely with one of these dynamics, the essence of them can often be found at the root of a specific grievance. Like acknowledging a “cultural difference”, a Benefactor might realize that their Independent partner’s refusal to let them pay for dinner isn’t about refusing love but about having a different definition of what love is.
The gift of queerness is the re-evaluation of the givens. There are so many ways to be together. May you be blessed to choose relationships that work for you, improve your shared understanding over time, and find clarity and peace in your finances.
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